How deep the bullet lies
by ficklefrog
Summary: A/U  Set in the future. Santana and Quinn are close friends and live by the sea. Santana has never quite gotten over her high school sweetheart. Will they meet again? What happens if they do?
1. Chapter 1

Quinn threw her purse and keys on the kitchen table and strode through the spacious living room turning on the lights. She opened the large sliding balcony doors and stepped out onto the deck. The salty breeze hit her face and filled her lungs. The beach lay dark, deserted and quiet. The sound of the rolling waves relaxed her. Sheer white curtains fluttered in and out of the doorway.

Thursday night was lonely night. Not that she minded time home alone but the reason made her a little sad. She returned to the kitchen and selected a wine bottle from the rack. Merlot, a safe choice. Absent mindedly she poured herself a glass and walked over to open the fridge.

After changing into a pair of loose jeans and a t-shirt she settled in on the couch and started reviewing the case she was working on. She worked too much. She knew it but couldn't see how that could change. She wasn't even sure she wanted it to change. She found her work interesting and it kept her occupied. And she enjoyed the spending power it afforded her. Quinn lived in a beautiful home decorated with beautiful things. Had she not become a lawyer she might have been a gallerist.

Close to midnight Quinn removed her reading glasses and gathered up the documents she had scattered over the coffee table. She arranged them in a neat pile before placing them in a folder. She turned off the stereo and made her way up the stairs.

She had chosen the house mainly based on location and its large rooms. There were only three bedrooms but they were all light and spacious. Hers faced the ocean. Growing up in Ohio she had always longed for the sea. She had imagined there was something magical about it. Now she knew there was.

Quinn slept in the nude. It was something she had taken up when she moved to the house. She enjoyed the feeling of cool sheets against her bare skin. She would leave the window ajar and let the sound of the ocean carry her into unconsciousness.

The sheet rustled a little and she felt the mattress dip down beside her. Quinn raised her head slightly and cast a blurred glance at the clock. 01:30. She felt an arm finding its way around her ribcage and a cool body moving up against her back. A face was lightly pressed against her neck.

"Go back to sleep Q", a voice whispered gently.

Quinn put her arm over her bed companion's and did as the voice told her.

Santana woke at 8 a.m. The sun was blasting in through the window and for a moment she wasn't sure where she was. She looked over at the clock. "_Time to go play doctor", _she thought to herself.

She turned up her face and let the water gush over her. She was thankful for the late morning shift. Her mind wandered to the night before. She smiled sadly. She couldn't keep doing this but how could she not? Week after week she had decided not to go but every time she had been unable to resist. One of these days she would have to find a way to make things up to Quinn. The lawyer never complained but Santana knew her life was taking its toll on her friend. She stepped out of the shower.

It was Friday and Quinn would be entertaining some business associates in the evening. Santana had been invited to join them but wasn't sure if she would.

A lazy jazz tune greeted her as she opened the front door. As she entered the house the music blended with the sound of several conversations.

Santana looked at her reflection in the hallway mirror and searched her purse for her lipstick. She slowly applied the deep red make up to her mouth. She pressed her lips together distributing the colour evenly. She smoothed out a few creases on her skirt and inhaled before making her way to the living room where maybe fifteen people were gathered.

"San!" Quinn exclaimed. "Come meet Michael and Tom." "Tom, Michael, this is my house mate Santana Lopez."

Santana shook their hands and they exchanged pleasantries. The men eyed her body. She could feel their stares but chose to ignore them.

"You're a well hidden secret! Quinn never mentioned he shares her house with another beautiful woman. So what do you do for a living Santana Lopez?" Tom inquired.

"I'm a doctor", Santana replied.

"I see. Wanna give me a check up?" Tom grinned.

Quinn laughed a little nervously and quickly said "She's a paediatric surgeon. I think you're a little too old to catch her professional interest."

"Well, I could always cut you open and see if there is anything wrong with you", she looked at Tom with one eyebrow raised. Then she flashed him a smile to soften the blow.

Santana picked up a few grapes from a bowl on the table and put them in her mouth.

"Quinn sweetie, I've had a really full day so I think I'm just going to head upstairs and read for a while."

"Aww. Come on. Stay and have a drink with us", Tom insisted.

"Thank you but I'm really quite tired and when I crack open two year old Jack's ribcage tomorrow morning I think we're all going to be grateful if I skipped that drink tonight and slept for more than six hours. "

She kissed Quinn lightly on the cheek, nodded curtly at the two men and left.

"Wow! Your friend is kinda scary! Smoking hot, but scary." Michael exclaimed.

"If you're lucky you'll never know the half of it!" Quinn muttered under her breath.

A faint light escaped from under the door to Santana's room. Quinn knocked softly.

"Q?"

"Yeah", Quinn replied as she opened the door. Santana was sitting half dressed on her bed. She was reading a brick of a book.

"Seriously Q, I don't know how you do it."

"A long time of practice", Quinn shrugged and sat on the bed. "It comes with the job. A necessary evil, if you will."

"You should sleep San." Quinn got up and left. Santana turned off the light and got in under the covers.

It was Thursday night again.

Santana rose from her seat and waited in line to get out into the main aisle. She made her way out into the street and hailed a taxi.

Fifteen minutes later Santana strolled up to the rather anonymous entrance to Hector's bar. She was greeted by the doorman.

"You gonna play tonight Santana?"

"Yeah, I think I will. One of those days, ya know."

Doorman Joe looked sympathetically at her and opened the door and let her in. Santana headed for the bar.

"Hector, do you mind?" Santana nodded towards the piano.

"Knock yourself out _querida_. Cerveza?"

"Yeah, that'd be great thanks." Santana took the bottle Hector handed her.

The music from the sound system faded and Santana sat down on the piano stool. She ran her fingers across the keys. She held still for a second and then struck the first chord of the intro and started to sing.

"_Una mujer se ha perdido  
>conocer el delirio y el polvo,<br>se ha perdido esta bella locura,  
>su breve cintura<br>debajo de mí.  
>Se ha perdido mi forma de amar,<br>se ha perdido mi huella en su mar._"

Quinn heard the front door close softly. She looked at the clock. 01:03. Santana had played at Hector's again. She listened to her friend climbing the stairs, opening the bathroom door and turning on the tap. A few minutes later the door to her bedroom opened.

"Hey Q", Santana said and smiled when she saw that Quinn was awake. "You didn't wait up, did you?"

"No, I was working. I only went to bed a little while ago." Quinn held up the cover waiting for Santana to get in.

As usual Santana positioned herself behind Quinn and put an arm around her waist.

"What would I do without you Q?" she sighed.

"Oh I don't know. Be on crack maybe?" Quinn replied sleepily. Santana didn't answer. She just pressed her body a little closer to Quinn and inhaled the scent of the other woman. She felt a slight tingle in her body but just ignored it. It was merely a physical reaction.

They had done it once about a year ago though.

Quinn had already been asleep when Santana joined her in bed. She woke as she felt the familiar arm wrap itself around her waist. She woke a little more when she felt Santana's hand starting to move, stroking her stomach, moving upwards and cupping her naked breast. Santana started teasing Quinn's nipple with her fingers.

"What are you doing S?"

"Just a once off Q…" she whispered and started rolling her hips against Quinn's butt. Quinn realized Santana wasn't wearing any clothes. She heard her bed companion's breathing getting a little faster and soft hungry lips kissed her neck. Slightly to her surprise she felt her arousal growing.

Quinn was wet and ready when Santana's fingers entered her and when her orgasm came crashing down over her she shouted out profanities that mixed with the sound of the ocean.

They never talked about it and it never happened again.


	2. Chapter 2

Santana liked her patients. They were generally honest, straight forward and often more rational about their health condition than their parents. Little Jack was a trooper. He looked so pale and weak when he woke up after his extensive surgery but he didn't complain. It wasn't like he didn't have anything to be put out about- There were very many tubes attached to his tiny body and he had a twenty-centimeter-long cut in his chest. As Santana gently stroked his forehead, he looked at her with his big brown eyes. What she saw was a look of quiet acceptance.

Santana was convinced her patients brought out the best in her. Secretly she needed them as much as they needed her. Both parties helped the other live as functioning human beings. Sometimes they made her wish she was a parent but, more often than not, she was happy she didn't have a child of her own who could get as sick and hurt as many of her patients were. While most of them recovered from whatever reason had brought them to her, some did not. How could anyone go on after losing a child?

There was only one part of her job that she really detested. That was when she had to treat patients who had been deliberately hurt by adults. On those days, she truly hated the world.

Quinn was twenty minutes early and decided to wait at the restaurant's cocktail bar. She ordered a martini with an extra olive. She had decided that it was time for "the talk" tonight. After downing her drink, she ordered another one.

Santana dashed in half an hour later.

"Sorry I'm late! Got held up by the chief. I swear that woman is going to be death of me," She smiled at Quinn who smiled back.

They were seated at their usual table in a slightly secluded booth and they both ordered fish and white wine.

"You seem a little jumpy or something today, Q." Santana looked at her friend.

"Look... I'm just gonna come out and say it. San, it's time for you to either stop sneaking in to that theatre every Thursday or make yourself known to her," She paused for a moment. "I'm saying this because I love you. This is fucking killing you. I can't just sit back and watch it happen."

Quinn could see thoughts and feelings flash across Santana's face. She was prepared to face her friend's famous rage.

Santana took a moment to compose herself. When she spoke it seemed to be with great effort. "Q, I know you're saying this out of love but I don't think I'm able to do either of those things."

"I think you're going to have to because I know you can't keep doing what you're doing. Sweetie, every time you leave that theatre you're a little further down the abyss and your heart is a little more broken. You sleep in my bed when your nights get too dark and you sing sad songs in a shady late-night bar for fuck's sake!"

"Not that shady! And it won't be forever. They're taking the show on the road in two months. Then the choice will be taken away from me." Santana listlessly moved some peas around on her plate.

"I know that and do you know what else? I am fucking terrified of that day! Honey, if you haven't done something about this by then I don't think there is anything I can do to help you on that day and frankly, that scares me witless!" Quinn's face was flushed.

"I don't know what to do", Santana whispered. Quinn took her friend's hand across the table.

"S, I think you should make yourself known to her. Let her know you're here. See her."

"I broke her heart. I fucking obliterated my own in the process but that's not the issue. I broke the most beautiful thing in my life and treated it like it didn't matter. It's unforgivable, Q."

"Enough! Yeah, you screwed up! Big time even, but you did not damn your soul forever. You made a mistake. People make mistakes!" Quinn shot back, upset.

"So why do I feel like a hollow drum a zillion years later. I have a career, I haven't let my body go, I make a shitload of money but as you so poignantly pointed out, I sneak into my best friend's bed because I'm afraid of what crawls out of the shadows at night. I'm a thirty year old doctor who can't take care of herself! Pretty good definition of pathetic, huh?"

Quinn took her wallet out of her purse and started to put bills on the table. She had her ice queen look on her face.

"Stop talking S. We're going to Hector's."

They rode the taxi in silence. The city flickered by. Santana quickly thought about her schedule the next day. She had reserved the day for paperwork and didn't have any surgeries planned. She'd be okay. Quinn picked up her Blackberry and sent a message to her assistant to reschedule all appointments before eleven next morning.

"Hola Hector! Dos tequilas por favor!" Quinn ordered.

"Fancy Q!" Santana always found it amusing when Quinn spoke in Spanish. Not that Quinn was bad at it. She just found it funny somehow.

They downed their drinks and bit in to sour pieces of lemon. Santana felt her whole face contort and she shuddered.

After spitting out the peel of her third lemon wedge Santana put her hand on Quinn's shoulder and said, "Fuck it Q! We have to drink something else. This is too dire!"

And so they switched to vodka.

"Santana… Seriously, you must let Brittany know you know she is here. And that you are here." Quinn was making an effort to sound coherent.

"You know what, Q, I'm still too ashamed to. I hurt her too much and I embarrassed myself by fucking up so royally. Oh shit, this is why I don't drink more often. It makes me say things I never intended to voice to anyone, including myself. "

"Okay, I'll share something I've never told anyone. I think Puck still resents me for parting him from his daughter and I cannot think of one single thing that says he's wrong to. I'm not exactly holding my breath waiting for a mother-of-the-year award 'cos hell, I dumped my kid!" Quinn raised her glass as if giving a toast. "There. That's the stone that weighs down my baggage." Quinn lowered her forehead to the bar counter and groaned at herself.

"Ya know, we were some aces at high school you and me, Quinn Fabray!"

"Hector, dos más, por favor!"

"Here you go _querida_ but I'm cutting you off now. As soon as you're done with these I'm having you two lovely ladies put in a taxi", Hector looked at them pointedly.

They staggered up the staircase holding each other up.

"It's such a good thing we grew up and became responsible adults", Quinn muttered , characteristically sarcastically.

"A good thing indeed!" Santana giggled but suddenly stopped. "Oh fuck Q, I don't feel so good."

"You are not puking on the floor S! You are not!" Quinn warned.

Santana gathered all her mental and physical strength and coordination and dashed for the bathroom.

"Gross!" Quinn muttered and hauled herself upstairs by the banister. "You're sleeping in your own bed tonight!" she hollered.

_Santana was almost eighteen years old. It was spring and the trees in Lima were in bloom. She arrived late at the party. The music was blasting out of the speakers and there were people everywhere. _

"_There you are! We were worried you were going to be a no-show." Kurt put an arm around her shoulders and smiled at her. _

_Her eyes scanned the room. Mike was moving smoothly to the beat on the dance floor. Her eyes kept wandering and landed on the all too familiar shape of Brittany's back. She was straddling someone who was sitting on the couch. They were obviously engaged in a deep kiss. _

_Santana's insides tied themselves into a knot. She headed for the kitchen where bottles were lined up on the counter. She pulled out a pint glass and poured Absolut until the glass was half full.__ Hurriedly,__ she began to chug. _

_Several hours and Absolut top- ups later Santana got off the dance floor to catch her breath.__ Too late she realised Brittany was approaching her. _

"_Hey there!" Brittany gave her a drunken smile and kept coming closer and closer. She didn't stop until her body was pressed against Santana's. She rested her head on Santana's shoulder and traced her lips over the Latina's neck. _

"_I miss you, San." Her hands roamed over Santana's sides. Santana stood petrified for a moment trying to get her intoxicated brain to function._

"_Get the fuck off me!" she said roughly. "I don't want your charity fucks!" She hurried off. _

_That was a blatant lie. She wanted anything and everything she could get from Brittany but even in this sorry state she couldn't bring herself to give in to that. She wasn't even worthy of a charity fuck._

Santana woke up six hours later. At first she felt disconnected from her body. Instants later a punishing headache hit her and there was a taste of bile in her mouth. Her gut wrenched and churned. Silently, she begged for death to take her at that moment.

As she sat up she realised she was still wearing her skirt and bra but no top. Certainly not one of her finer moments.

Quinn had left a bottle of Advil on top of a small note on the kitchen table.

"_Physician, heal thyself!_" it said.

Santana wasn't sure if Quinn was referring to the hang-over or their conversation the night before.


	3. Chapter 3

As Quinn left the court building pleased with how the proceedings had gone. Her client had made a plea bargain and gotten off lighter than he had any right to expect. She checked a text message she had received earlier but hadn't had a chance to read. It was from Santana and it simply read "_I think I want to die!" _Quinn smirked. Santana had always had the worst hangovers. Despite being two martinis up on Santana the night before, she didn't feel too bad. A bit tired and possibly not as quick in thought as she usually was but none the worse for wear really.

She thought about their conversation the night before. She was glad they had it but a little frustrated by the fact that Santana hadn't really committed to either of her suggestions. She hoped she at least had gotten the Latina to consider making contact with Brittany. She knew it was the only thing that would eventually let Santana heal again. She had to make peace with herself once and for all.

"_Don't be so fucking stubborn! You're impossible Santana!" Quinn turned around and threw her arms in the air. _

"_I just can't. Ok? I just can't. It's not going to happen. It will never be her and me again."_

"_But you love her!" Quinn nearly shouted in frustration. _

"_Yeah. That's the bitch of it, isn't it?" Santana smiled bitterly. "Q, I swear I'll kill you if you let anyone else know though."_

"_Chill. Of course I won't but S, I can't stand another nightly phone call from her, begging me to talk some sense into you. She sounds so crushed. Will you at least stop being so fucking mean to her at school?" Quinn looked at __her with that I'm-serious-look on her face. _

"_Q, I'm mean to everyone. I just treat her like I treat everyone else." She shrugged. _

"_Not true! You're a hell of a lot meaner to her than to anyone else. You use how well you know her to hurt her. That's cruel. S, I've done my fair share of acting the bitch at school too but you're taking it too far with Brittany. Besides, not everyone else is actually in love with you."_

"_She broke my heart Q", Santana said quietly. "For so long I thought that I just had a hard time falling in love. I liked Puck and Mark and Andy and all those other guys. They were nice enough but I never felt the way everyone seemed to feel for their boyfriends. Then bam! It hit me that all that lovey-dovey shit people were talking about, that was how I felt for Brittany. Can you imagine what that was like? I was scared shitless! Still I went for it." _

"_No I probably can't imagine. But you two always seemed so happy together. Like ridiculously happy. I used to wish that Finn and I could be as happy together as you two were. Be that close, you know?" _

"_But you know how the story went, Q. She turned me down. She chose someone else and here we are." Santana ran her hand over her face suddenly looking older and tired. _

"_But I don't get it San. You love her and she is on her fucking knees begging you to come back to her but oh no, now you don't want to. I just don't get it."_

"_I told you Q, can't do it."_

_Santana jumped off the swing and started walking towards the park exit. Quinn knew the subject was closed._

_Eventually Brittany stopped calling Quinn at night . The formerly bubbly blonde turned into a quiet ghost of her past self._

Santana worked harder than usual. Ever since that night out with Quinn two weeks ago she found it a relief to be able to submerge herself in her work. Apart from her usual schedule she was writing on an article she was hoping to get published in a medical journal. She also needed to have less time to sit and brood about whether or not she should let Brittany know they were in the same city.

She stretched in her office chair and looked at the clock. It was past nine in the evening and she realised she hadn't had dinner yet. Her stomach was rumbling. Time to leave. She packed up her things and turned the light off in her office.

As she passed the post room she checked her pigeon hole for mail and messages. There were a few staff memos, a couple of come-ons from pharmaceutical companies and a small white envelope. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw the handwritten address. She reached for her pocket and took out her phone.

"Q! Did you eat yet?" she asked with urgency in her voice.

"No, I'm still at the office. What's up?" Quinn sounded concerned.

"Meet me at Ben's Bar for later dinner. I'm leaving the hospital now." She hung up and started walking towards the lifts.

Santana was already seated in the booth when Quinn arrived. She was sipping on a glass of red wine, deep in thought.

"What's going on S?" Quinn sat down.

Santana said nothing but opened her purse and took out the white envelope. She handed it to the lawyer. Quinn opened it and took out a small card.

"_Why don't you come back-stage and say hello some time?  
>B._"

"Shit..", Quinn whispered. "She's seen you!"

"Yeah, she must have. And she knows where I work." Santana fidgeted with her glass.

"So , do you think there are any Antarctic expeditions needing a doctor, oh say, tomorrow? Or better yet, a long term space mission. I can cook too!" She gave Quinn a sheepish slightly pained smile.

"I don't think they cook in space", Quinn replied absentmindedly, her brain obviously busy.

Their food arrived and they ate in silence.

Quinn put her cutlery down and said "The way I see it, you're at a cross roads here S. If you don't go to see her that's a really clear statement of rejection and you're going to feel like shit. Or you gather up your courage and see her and take it from there."

Quinn looked at Santana tenderly and took her hand.

"Honey, it's time you forgave yourself. She forgave you years ago. It's time to heal", she said softly.

Santana swallowed hard.

"I nearly killed her Q", she whispered.

_Mr. Shuester was already in the choir room when they walked in. He had an unusually solemn look on his face. _

"_Take your seats please guys", he said in a subdued voice. _

"_I have some bad news. I just received word that Brittany is in the hospital." _

_Questioning looks were exchanged. A few people whispered to each other. Mr. Shuester held up his hand. Quinn looked up at Santana who sat behind her. Her friend's face was expressionless. _

"_Listen guys, she's going to be alright but she's going to have to stay there for a few days."_

"_What happened?" Mercedes asked. Her voice worried. _

_Mr. Shuester looked down at his shoes and took a deep breath. _

"_It would seem she swallowed an unhealthy mix of pills." He paused. "A pretty large dose of pills."_

_Quinn heard a splash behind her. Santana had thrown up on the floor. _


	4. Chapter 4

_It turned out Brittany had raided her parents' medicine cabinet. Fortunately they mainly kept dietary supplements and ordinary pain killers there. There were in fact a few sleeping pills but far from a lethal dose. The large amounts of paracetamol did pose a potential health threat but Brittany's life was never actually in danger._

_That was however little comfort to Santana. She had driven the girl she loved to attempt killing herself. No matter how inadequate the attempt had been, Brittany had wanted to end her life. And Santana knew that if it hadn't been for her that would have been the last thing Brittany would do. It just wasn't in her nature. _

_All the other members of the Glee Club sent flowers to the hospital and went to visit Brittany as soon as she was allowed home again. But not Santana. She stayed away and she lashed out at anyone asking why she didn't go to visit Brittany. She even cut Quinn down when she suggested Santana at least send a text message to say she was glad Brittany was alright. _

_If she hurt before it was nothing compared to the excruciating pain she experienced now. She felt like she was breathing in broken glass every time she inhaled. Her thoughts raced day and night and her mind screamed for relief, to be numbed, for distraction. _

Quinn nervously took her seat and looked towards the stage. The spotlights lit up the heavy red velvet curtain. She had read about the show in several magazines and entertainment articles. The reviews and been great. All praise. Quinn made a mental note to go the theatre more often. She enjoyed it and especially musicals. She had many fond memories from Glee Club in high school. She had even joined a theatre group in college but she never considered pursuing a career in the arts.

The houselights went out and Quinn held her breath as the curtain went up.

Brittany looked radiant. She was even prettier now than she was when they were eighteen. Quinn was amazed by how well she danced. Brittany had been a great dancer even as a teenager but now she had developed into a true professional moving with such grace that it blew Quinn's mind.

Nearly three hours later Quinn rose from her seat. She had thoroughly enjoyed the show. She could easily see how the reviews had been so positive.

Nervously she waited for the theatre to empty and slowly started making her way to the steps leading up to the stage. With great hesitation she climbed the few steps. As she took the last step up she looked out over the empty theatre. Flashbacks from Glee Club performances came tumbling down on her. She drew in a deep breath. She found a stage hand and asked him to let Brittany Pierce know that Quinn Fabray was looking for her.

Five minutes later Brittany appeared, still wearing her stage make up but she had changed into sweats and a t-shirt. Her face lit up when she saw Quinn.

"Q!" she exclaimed. No one except Santana called her by her old school nick name these days.

Brittany greeted her with a hug.

"It's so great to see you! Did you like the show?"

"It was fantastic! You were so great!" Quinn smiled.

"Thanks! Listen, are you in a mad hurry or something? It would be great if we could grab a drink and catch up."

"That'd be great! I'd love that." Quinn replied thinking to herself that it didn't seem like Brittany had realised she and Santana still talked.

"Super! Let me just take a really really quick shower and I'll be with you in ten minutes tops!"

Brittany disappeared and Quinn picked up her phone to check her messages. Three texts from her assistant regarding her court case the following day and one from Santana: "_Any news?"_

"_Not yet. We're going for a drink. Text you later."_

Quinn and Brittany walked to a bar close to the theatre. Brittany ordered a beer and a burger while Quinn settled for a glass of wine.

"So how have you been Q? What do you do these days? Married? Kids?" Brittany beamed at her apparently pleased to see her old friend again.

"Pretty good thanks. I'm a lawyer and work for a down town firm mainly doing litigation. I work like a dog but I kinda love it. Not married but I have an ex-husband but let's not ruin the evening by talking about him." She smiled. "No kids though. And I live in a house by the beach", she continued. _"...with your ex-lover_", she added in her head.

"Wow! An accomplished career woman! Very cool!"

"Me? Look at you! You're in one of the most talked about shows in town! I'm an office rat. Tell me about you."

"Well, I made it out of Lima, obviously. I keep an apartment in New York but at the moment I'm renting a studio out here. I've been touring with a few artists but staying on the road too long at a time gets a bit rough in the end. I was really happy to get this gig. Not married and no kids either. That about sums it up."

"_Enter the elephant into the room!" _Quinn thought to herself.

As if she had read Quinn's mind Brittany said "Look, I'm guessing you know I've seen Santana in the audience. More than once. I wanted to get in touch with her so I googled her. I found an article about her work. That's how I know about her job at the hospital. When I realised you're in the city too I figured you guys must still be in touch. Am I right?"

Quinn looked down into her wine glass for a second, then she looked at Brittany and said "Yes you are. On both counts. In fact, we share the beach house."

"How is she?" Brittany bit her lower lip.

"She's good. She is really passionate about her work. Who would have predicted Santana Lopez would end up working with kids, hey? She still sings and she looks pretty much the same I think."

"An ex-husband lurking her past as well?"

Quinn could tell the question was more loaded than Brittany wanted it to sound.

"No ex husband. She's been single most of the time."

"I'd really like to see her. I've been a bit puzzled that she hasn't come back-stage to say hello. I know we didn't really part on great terms. I think the last time we actually spoke was at a party and we were both drunk and, well, it wasn't good. But that was so many years ago. And I've moved way past all that. I hope she has too. She and I shared so many good times together. That's how I choose to remember how we were."

Quinn felt like she was caught between a rock and a hard place.

"Well, you see... Hmm.. I'm not sure she'd appreciate it if she heard me say what I'm about to say but I will anyway, because I love her."

"Wait! Are you guys..."

"No! No! Not at all!" Quinn gulped uncomfortably but continued. "She.. She still hasn't forgiven herself for what she did to you so no, she hasn't really moved past all that. I know she wants to see you but she's a little short of courage in this particular case."

Brittany sunk in to her own thoughts for a few moments and concentrated on her food.

"Is that why you're here now and not her?"

Quinn smiled sheepishly.

"I honestly really wanted to see the show and I'm so glad I did plus I wanted to see you. I'm here in my own right but yes, had she not been short of courage, she would have joined us here tonight."

"I feel terrible she still feels bad. So she treated me like shit for a while and I was a really unhappy teenager for some months when I was in high school but it was a long time ago. Santana was my first true love. She gave me my first real kiss, she took my vir..."

Quinn cleared her throat a little too loudly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. " Brittany blushed a little. "Is there any way you could arrange for me to see her? I have Monday nights off."

Quinn opened her purse and took out a business card. She turned it upside down and quickly scribbled down her address and home phone number. She handed the card to Brittany.

"Why don't you come to dinner next Monday? I'll talk to Santana. I'll let her know you want to see her. If she can't handle it, we'll just have dinner without her. How's that?"

"Terrific!" Brittany smiled.

"I don't mean to be rude but I have to be in court early tomorrow morning. I really should go. It was lovely to see you!"

"It was really good to see you too Q."

They got up and hugged each other goodbye outside the restaurant.

"See you Monday!"

Quinn hailed a taxi and soon she was speeding through the night towards the ocean.

That night Quinn rocked Santana to sleep in her arms.


	5. Chapter 5

'_Well well well..'"_ Brittany thought to herself. This had been an interesting evening. Quinn was every bit as beautiful as Brittany had suspected she might be. On top of that she was cool, sophisticated and scary smart. They had always been the smart ones at school, Quinn and Santana. They always seemed to just know how to solve algebra, their memories seemed to be able to hold endless quantities of knowledge about presidents, authors, foreign countries and what not. And Quinn in particular could do magic with words. Brittany had always been a little jealous of their smarts but Santana always told her maths smarts didn't matter unless you were doing maths. Instead she praised Brittany's musicality and the way she was able to make her body move. Brittany was born a dancer.

Naturally her thoughts strayed back to the events in high school. There were so many great memories and most of them involved Santana. Then there were the not so great memories involving Santana. She had never been in love like that before or after Santana. But then she had never been hurt that way again either. But she knew why Santana did it because she knew Santana. That was why it was easy for her to forgive her. Brittany had never been good at holding a grudge.

Yes, it was really painful to take the taunting and all that crap and for a while it just got too much. Hence the pills. She wasn't sure now, nor then, if she actually wanted to die but the pills seemed like a good idea at the time. She was glad she lived though. Good thing calcium supplements weren't that dangerous after all. But Santana had seemed so small after Brittany got back from the hospital. It was almost like she was afraid of her. That was quite as unsettling as the taunts. Scarier in a way. Brittany had tried to tell her she was ok.

In her darkest hour when Santana said all those mean things, she did doubt herself but there was one thing she never believed for a moment and that was when Santana said she never loved her. She knew Santana loved her. That was why she was being so mean.

She had thought they could put all the crap behind them. They could be Brittany and Santana again. But it didn't work. She couldn't get Santana to talk to her, sleep with her or even just hang out together with others.

Then high school ended and most of them parted ways. Quinn and Santana went to Harvard. Quinn financed by the Fabray college trust and Santana on a scholarship. She went to New York to dance.

Now… Well now.. Time had changed them all and things were different. Even if she was a bit nervous to, she had to face Santana and set things right. For all the love that they shared, for the sake of their long friendship, they owed it to themselves to remove the alienation between them.

_Santana looked out the window and grabbed the remote control. She nodded slightly to herself and turned the tv off. Brittany looked questioningly at her._

"_Come, I have something to show you." _

_Santana stood up from the couch and held her hand out to Brittany. They went upstairs but instead of going in to Santana's room she steered them towards her dad's office. Quietly they snuck in and Santana headed straight for the window. She opened it, climbed out and jumped down onto the garage roof. Brittany looked down and saw Santana grinning up at her. _

"_Come on", she said. _

_Santana had dragged a thin mattress and a large blanket to the roof. There was also a small lantern and a thermos flask of hot chocolate._

_Brittany gingerly climbed out the window. _

_They lay down on the mattress and Santana pulled the blanket over them. It was a perfectly clear autumn night and the stars shone brightly out of the sky. _

"_You know that home work assignment Mr. Parker gave us. We have to learn to identify at least five stellar constellations, right?"_

_Brittany nodded. _

"_Well, I thought I'd help you out with your homework."_

_Santana put her arm out and Brittany put her head on Santana's shoulder. Santana held her close and with her other hand she pointed towards the sky. _

"_Look up there. See those three stars in a row? That's Orion's belt." _

Quinn bustled around in the kitchen. Since it was a work night she had opted for something that cooked fast. Fresh pasta! She deftly folded the thin dough over a filling of spinach and ricotta cheese, cut the sides off and sealed the edges with a fork. Voilà! Ravioli. They looked like miniature cushions. Both Quinn and Santana took great pleasure in cooking. On nights off they often served up intricate dishes for each other. Quinn often visited the Mediterranean kitchens while Santana regularly went for the spicier cuisines of Asia.

Quinn worried about Santana being a no-show even though she had made it perfectly clear that morning that she expected Santana to be home for dinner.

"We'll see", was the non-committal response she got before Santana left the house. Santana had wavered back and forth since Thursday. There was no doubt in Quinn's mind however, this meeting needed to happen.

Quinn had made a phone call to Hector earlier in the day. Her instructions were simple: If Santana showed up after work, serve her one drink and one drink only. Then cut her off, kick her out and make sure she got in a taxi headed for the beach. She assured him that failure to comply would have severe consequences. "Me entiendes?" He knew she was mostly joking about the last part but Quinn Fabray could be an intimidating lady.

It was nearing seven o'clock and Quinn had finished her preparations. However, there was still no sign of Dr. Lopez. Quinn stood out on the deck watching a couple of boys kicking a ball on the beach. What would she say to Brittany if Santana didn't show up? A lame excuse about last minute surgery? Quinn knew Brittany would never believe her. If Santana stayed away they would both know she chickened out.

At ten past seven the doorbell rang. Quinn cursed Santana and went to open the door. There was Brittany. At that moment her mobile buzzed. Quinn greeted Brittany and excused herself as she glanced at the telephone display. "_Eating at Hector's. Considering coming home afterwards. Don't kill Hector, not his fault._"

"I'm sorry, that was Santana. She's been held up a bit in the city but she'll be along later." '_or I'll fucking strangle her!' _Quinn added in her head.

Brittany looked slightly disappointed but she was still looking forward to a pleasant evening with Quinn. And who knew, Santana might still show up.

Quinn offered Brittany a drink and showed her around. They ended up on the deck.

"What a fantastic location! You're so lucky to have a view like this. Your whole home is so beautiful."

"Thank you! We try."

"The way you talk about you and her makes it sound like you're an old married couple. It makes me a little jealous." Brittany smiled and took a sip on her drink.

"I suppose you're right. Sometimes I feel like we are an old married couple. We bicker, laugh and cry together but God help me if I ever married someone like Santana!" She caught herself. "I mean, she's not my marrying type but I can of course see that she might be someone else's… Oh dear." Quinn gave up. There was no way to back out this one gracefully. She chuckled and so did Brittany in their quiet understanding.

"I can't imagine life without her though but we don't really think of this as a permanent arrangement." She gestured towards the house. "I'd like to think I'm not going to stay single for the rest of my life and I really can't see how any man could put up with living in this crazy household. Sorry, I'm rambling. I usually don't but I will confess I'm a little bit nervous."

"Not at all! I enjoyed your rambling. I like hearing about what the both of you are like these days. You're not completely unlike what I imagined you would be like. I always knew you'd do well, of course. I'm sorry you and I lost contact. I guess you were so closely linked with Santana that it would have been awkward for all of us if we had stayed in touch." Brittany finished her drink.

They went back inside and Quinn checked her pasta water. Gently she poured the ravioli in. "The trick is to not let them burst", she said when she noticed Brittany watching her.

They talked animatedly through dinner. They discussed life, love, travels and old high school memories. The conversation flowed easily and they felt the comfortability that only appears when people share a common history. There were so many things that were silently understood.

As Quinn served up dessert she glanced at her watch. It was a half past nine.

"God damn it S!" she muttered.

At that moment Santana left Hector's in a taxi.


	6. Chapter 6

Santana had resisted the urge to binge drink at Hectors. Instead she had a light dinner, settled for two glasses of wine and played the piano. She was acutely aware that every new song she started on was just postponing going home. She had been making up speeches in her head all day. Each had been discarded. What do you say to someone you almost killed? "Oops! Sorry!" No?

Time was ticking away. If she was going to show up she'd better not stall it any longer. It would be too impolite and it would inevitably result in her having to face the wrath of Quinn Fabray. A none too appealing prospect. Arguing with a litigation lawyer was a punishing experience. Sometimes it made her so frustrated she felt that it would only be on equal terms if she could utilise her work instrument too, namely a scalpel.

It had been a long time since Santana had been in a love. She had been loved but with one exception, she had never been able to return the feelings. No wonder none of her relationships had lasted. In the end she had stopped trying. Non-committal one night stands and holiday flings had been her sources of intimacy. She had Quinn for companionship. She was content with her situation. There were times when she wished for more, for there to someday be someone she loved and adored, but she didn't expect it to happen.

She paid the driver and slowly walked towards the door. Taking a moment she drew in a deep breath before stepping inside.

Hearing the door open Quinn's stomach flipped. "_Here we go!_" she thought.

Santana put her purse down on the hall cabinet and walked into the kitchen. Brittany and Quinn were seated at the table. They appeared to just have finished dessert. Santana stopped. She looked at Brittany. No, she stared at Brittany. From her seat at the theatre Santana had never seen Brittany up close. Now she could see that she had become a gorgeously beautiful woman. Her features had matured, giving her face more character. Her skin was tan and her body lean and strong. She felt a smile forming on her face.

"Britt…"

Brittany rose from her chair and walked up to Santana. They embraced. Santana drew in the scent of Brittany. It was intoxicating. Brittany's body felt both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Santana fought hard to hold back tears that threatened to spill at any second. It was almost impossible to believe she was holding Brittany in her arms again. Her body had ached for this moment since they were eighteen. She lightly pressed her lips to the blonde's cheek.

"Hi!" Brittany smiled and put her hands on Santana's shoulders. She took a small step back.

"Let me look at you." Brittany looked her up and down. "Hot as ever!" she beamed.

Brittany looked at Santana. She really was hot as ever but she looked different. She looked so… So down-tow- professional in her business suit. The jacket was perfectly tailored and showed off her straight shoulders. The skirt was just tight enough and just short enough to show off her fantastic figure but still stayed securely on the side of very good taste. The silk shirt looked smooth, smart and expensive. Santana wore silver hoop earrings, a ring on each hand and a bracelet around her right wrist.

Her big brown eyes looked a little tired but they still seemed to sparkle as Brittany held her gaze.

"It's good to see you Santana. It's been such a long time", she emphasised the word "such".

"It's been such a long time", Santana repeated. She smiled but her voice sounded a little sad.

Quinn looked at the two women. How they stared at each other. She hadn't seen that look in Santana's eyes for so many years.

'_Oh my god. They still love each other_', she thought to herself.

"Listen, why don't I clear away the dishes and you two take a walk along the beach? It's a nice night for it and I think you have a bit of catching up to do", she said smiling encouraging at them.

Santana looked at Brittany and Quinn could tell she was asking the question with her eyes "_Shall we take a walk on the beach?_" They could obviously still do it, that silent communication. Brittany smiled and nodded almost unnoticeably.

"Let me just get changed." Santana disappeared upstairs.

"I can't tell you how great it is to see you two together. It warms my heart. Truly." Quinn put a hand on Brittany's shoulder. "You ok?"

"Yeah. It's a little overwhelming though." Brittany paused. "Quinn, she's so beautiful." Brittany bit her lip just like she used to do when they were in high school.

"Yes, she is", Quinn agreed.

"She looks so grown up and professional. It's a little intimidating."

"Sweetie, it's the power suit." Quinn chuckled a little but then she turned serious again. "Britt, this is a big deal to her. Will you please stop her if she starts beating up on herself? I know I sound like mother goose but I'm just really protective of her."

"The last thing I ever wanted, want, is for Santana is to hurt."

As Brittany finished her sentence, Santana returned downstairs wearing a pair of old faded jeans and a plain loose cotton shirt. Her hair was tied back in a bun. Brittany felt weak at the knees.

Quinn watched them leave together. She couldn't help thinking they had lost so many years. Not that they were together now, nor did she know if they ever would be but she couldn't help hoping. Santana deserved love and happiness and no one could seem to bring her that like Brittany once had. Maybe she could do it again.

They walked in silence for several minutes. The ocean rolled in and sprayed a salty mist over them. There was a light evening breeze but the air was still warm.

Tentatively Brittany took Santana's hand. Santana looked at their entangled fingers before looking up at Brittany's face. They still didn't say anything, just kept walking along, hand in hand.

Santana felt herself relax a little. It was strangely comfortable to just exist, together with Brittany. Like when they were teenagers. It was like the years and the continent had never separated them. Brittany's hand felt like it belonged in hers.

"San, I want to go for a swim!" Brittany's face had lit up. "Come swim with me!"

"But.. Britt, we don't have any swim suits!"

"So swim in your underwear! It's dark, no one will notice." Brittany said and started unzipping her dress.

Santana looked around the beach but there was no one in sight.

"_Fuck it_!" she thought to herself and reached for the button in her jeans.

Brittany had already left her clothes in a pile in the sand and was dashing for the ocean. Shrieking she ran out into the water and when it reached her thighs, she dived in. Santana followed after. The water was beautifully refreshing. Brittany swam with long strong strokes while Santana watched her.

"Isn't it great?" Brittany spluttered slightly out of breath. "I'd go swimming all the time if I lived in a beach house. Do you?"

"Not really. We did at first but then when you know that you can do it at any time something else always seems more important."

They stayed in the water for while until Santana started making her way towards land. She was getting cold and it was hard to talk treading water. And having Brittany close to her in her underwear was distracting even if she couldn't see it.

_Summer in Lima was a hot and sticky affair. There was hardly ever a breeze. Santana lay on a deckchair watching Brittany climb out of the pool. Her wet skin glistened in the bright sunlight. Santana took in the image of the tall bikini clad frame. Brittany moved with feline grace. Santana felt her chest constrict with the realisation that she needed Brittany like she needed air, like the blood in her veins wouldn't circulate without her. And she was so fucking beautiful. _

They stood on the beach trying to dry off a little on their clothes before putting them on. Santana caught Brittany looking at the damp shirt clinging to her chest. It sent a small jolt through her body. Brittany looked away quickly, realising she'd been caught.

Santana wanted to say it was ok. Brittany was welcome to look all she wanted. She could take the shirt off, take the bra off and look, touch, taste or do whatever she liked. But of course she didn't.

They continued their silent walk. There was so much Santana wanted to say, so much she wanted to tell Brittany. Millions of explanations, apologies, confessions and random memories but no words made it past her lips. Where would she start? Instead she walked quietly alongside the woman she had thought of so often through the years, wondering what she was doing, what she looked like, whose arms she was in. '_I have no right', _she thought. '_I've forfeited my claim.'_

"I thought about trying to find you so many times. I wanted to call you just to hear your voice but I could never think of an excuse good enough. Then the years went by and even when I did have something to tell you it seemed like too much time had passed. You'd think it strange that I'd suddenly call you to tell you something random", Brittany suddenly spoke.

Santana's hand took Brittany's and squeezed it lightly.

"But even so, you're a part of me. Even if I wanted to I could never separate you from me. It would be like taking out my liver or something."

At this Santana had to smile.

"Your liver, huh? I've heard people compare me to various things but never ever to something as important to them as their own liver. Thank you. I will take that as a compliment."

Brittany stopped and looked at Santana.

"Santana, are we strangers or are we us? I don't know how to act. Should I make small talk until we get back to the house and politely thank you and Quinn for a lovely evening before I drive off and pretend I never saw you?"

Santana 's hand squeezed hers tighter. She wanted to say that of course they were "us". She was so tired of carrying the past like a weight around her neck. It had eaten her alive since she was eighteen years old. But she didn't know how to get rid of it. She wanted to reach out but how?

"I think that would probably be best for your sake", Santana said quietly.

"So what do you think if I do this?"

Brittany swiftly closed the distance between them, put her hand at the back of Santana's neck and kissed her. It didn't last long and was almost chaste.

Santana stood perfectly still with her eyes closed. The feeling of Brittany's lips pressed to hers lingered. Did it really happen? She put her fingers to her lips to touch them where Brittany had been.

When she opened her eyes again she met Brittany's gaze searching her face for answers. She looked away.

"I can't. God knows I want to! But I can't." A tear formed at the corner of her eye. "That's how fucked up I have become. I'm no use to you any more Britt. The girl you loved when you were in high school doesn't exist anymore." Santana sounded defeated.

"I'd like to decide for myself what I have use for and I'm not looking for that girl, San", Brittany said gently.

"I would only end up hurting you. I can't do that Brittany. You were the most precious thing that was ever in my life. I can't have you hurt anymore because of me. I couldn't do that to you so I can't be in your life."

"Did you not hear me? I just told you that you are a part of me. Whether I see you or not. And Santana, I'm not eighteen. I see you now and my heart nearly stops. Even if we'd never met and I saw you in the street, I would turn my head and stare until you were out of sight. And you're smart and witty. You say the high school girl doesn't exist anymore. That's true but the promise of who she'd become stands before me and it took me all of thirty seconds to realise I love her, just like I always knew I would. I've known since I was ten years old! So she's a little sadder and wearier than I imagined but I don't fucking care!" Brittany said in a raised voice.

"Please don't let me walk away again. Please Santana." The plea sounded so desperate it broke Santana's heart a little more. "And do you know what? I think you love me too. Scratch that, I know you love me."

Brittany kissed Santana again. Hungrily she pried her lips open with her tongue until Santana gave in and responded. They pressed their bodies hard against each other. Hands roamed and breaths quickened.

Santana's head swooned. Brittany's arms felt so good around her, the sound of Brittany's fast excited breathing spread a warm feeling in her body that settled between her legs and it was so tempting to just surrender and let go. With her last shred of will power she broke away.

"Please Santana." Brittany's face was wet with tears. "Please. Let me love you at least for tonight. I've missed you so much!" She closed her eyes and drew in a ragged breath. "Do you remember at that party when you told me you didn't want my charity fucks?" Santana winced. She remembered. How could she forget? "Will you touch me one last time, if for no other reason than charity?"

Santana felt like she had been gutted. Like a fish. Cut open completely and had all her insides ripped out in one foul swoop.

'_Ain't love grand?' _she thought bitterly to herself as she took a few steps towards Brittany.

She put her hand up Brittany's dress and pulled down her still wet underwear to midway down her thighs. Brittany spread her legs a little allowing Santana's hand to reach all the way up. Without looking at the blonde she wet two fingers and pushed them all the way in. Brittany's knees gave way a little and she groaned loudly.

"Must… lie down.." she gasped.

Santana lay them down in the sand, holding Brittany close to her with one arm, her other hand's fingers still inside Brittany. She started to move them. Was it muscle memory? She just knew what to do, where to press, when to go faster, how to move her hand. After only a short while she heard Brittany draw in a sharp breath and she knew that meant her orgasm was on its way. Brittany's body arched up and she breathed "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you", over and over again until she stilled and lay there weeping quietly.

Santana cried so hard her whole body convulsed. She couldn't speak, she couldn't move. She could barely breathe.

She had never felt more contempt for anyone or anything than she felt for herself now.

Eventually she managed to roll away so that she had her back to Brittany. She curled up into a foetal position while her tears stained the sand.

They lay there in the sea-scented darkness listening to the waves. Somewhere in the distance a dog barked.

After what seemed like an eternity Brittany spoke.

"I will carry the feeling of your hands on my skin with me forever", she said quietly in a calm voice. "I will always remember your touch. Every lover I will ever lay down with will always be compared to you and never even come close. I will let the memory of the setting of… this… fade, but I will remember what it felt like to lie in your arms."

Santana heard Brittany rise and walk away.

'_Yo también te he extrañado'_, she whispered into the dark.


	7. Chapter 7

Quinn was woken up by the sound of glass smashing. She sat up in bed and looked at the clock. 03:14.

"_What the fuck?"_ she thought and sleepily stood up. She wrapped her dressing gown around her body and went downstairs.

Santana was sitting on the floor in the living room. A wineglass lay shattered next to her as well as a small puddle of red wine.

"S.. Sorry Q. Didn't mean to wake you up", Santana said quite obviously thee sheets to the wind. She looked as broken as the wineglass on the floor. Her hair was a mess and her shirt stained and sandy.

"What the hell happened S?" Quinn felt a pang of worry. "Did Brittany go home?"

"I haven't got the slightest idea. She might have gone to the moon as far as I know. As far as I'll ever know. Sorry about the glass. I'll get us a new one tomorrow." Her head slumped forwards.

"Never mind the glass. What happened? Talk to me Santana!"

"Our little reunion didn't go so well. I fucked up. I knew I'd fuck up." Santana smiled mirthlessly. "I kinda tend to. Be a darling and give us a new glass, will you Q?"

"Honey, I think you've had enough." Quinn sat down opposite to Santana.

"I fucked her on the beach Q. It was the lousiest thing I've ever done. She wanted it but I shouldn't have. I should have talked to her but I couldn't. So I fucked her instead." Santana shrugged.

"San, you're not making sense." Quinn felt intensely uneasy. Something was obviously very wrong.

"She said she loves me. And she wants me to love her back and I do but I couldn't tell her. She knows but I couldn't say it. I think she still wanted me back. Can you believe it?" She exhaled loudly.

"But look at me Q. This mess of a person is nothing to build a relationship with. She deserves someone who is good for her. Not me. Not this." She made a swooping hand gesture along her body.

"But you ended up having sex?"

"She wanted me to touch her so she could remember what I feel like." A tear fell from Santana's eye and Quinn felt like crying herself. She closed her eyes and felt her heart breaking for her friend

"San, you should go to bed. Let me tuck you in and we'll talk more in the morning. I'm going to call you in sick tomorrow." Quinn rose to her feet.

"But I have surgery tomorrow! I have to go to work."

"You are going to feel like shit tomorrow and you won't be in any state to go anywhere near your patients. And I don't want you to show up at the hospital smelling like a distillery. I'm going to take a personal day and we are going to talk. Now, get upstairs." Quinn took Santana's outstretched hand and gently dragged her to her feet.

As Santana staggered upstairs Quinn went to the cleaning closet to fetch a bucket. She had an uncomfortable feeling Santana was going to need it during the night.

The late morning sun shone in through the large glass balcony doors. Quinn had opened them slightly to let some fresh air in. Santana had managed to drag herself out of bed an hour earlier but had crashed again on the couch.

Quinn put a glass of water on the coffee table and held out an Advil in the palm of her hand.

"Here. Try to keep this one down."

The sad figure lying on the couch swallowed hard and raised her upper body so she could reach the glass. She washed the pill down with a mouthful of water.

"Q, would you please just shoot me?" she croaked pitifully.

"I'm considering it", Quinn retorted dryly.

Quinn left the room and went to their office upstairs. She dialed Brittany's number. She had to find out what the hell had happened. It was eleven o'clock and she still hadn't managed to get any sense out of Santana.

"Hey B, it's Quinn."

"Hi Quinn. Thanks for dinner last night. It was lovely." Brittany sounded subdued. "Sorry I left without saying goodbye to you."

"Never mind me. I need to talk to you. Can we have lunch?"

There was a long pause.

"I don't know Q. I guess you want to talk about last night but I'm not sure it's a good idea. Me and Santana kinda agreed to go our separate ways forever this time and there isn't a lot more to say." There was so much sorrow in Brittany's voice.

"But I don't understand. You both looked so happy when you saw each other last night. Why are you not going to see each other again?"

"Because… Because Santana… Honestly Q, she has to explain that to you because I don't think I can."

"She loves you, you know", Quinn said gently.

"Yeah. I know." Quinn knew Brittany was smiling sadly at the other end.

"Have lunch with me please B. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this one. There has to be a way to work things out. Quite frankly I'm worried sick about her. You should have seen the state she was in last night."

"I did see the state she was in last night Q. It nearly killed me." Brittany whispered the last sentence. She couldn't bear going into more detail.

"Listen, just meet me for lunch. Santana is still not quite communicable yet anyway. She drank herself silly after she got back to the house."

Reluctantly Brittany agreed to meet up at noon in downtown coffee shop.

Brittany took a sip on her mineral water. She had hardly touched her salad and was far from the chatty dinner guest Quinn had seen the night before.

"So I'm beginning to think she might be right. She's too messed up to be with anyone", Brittany said.

"I won't accept that", Quinn said resolutely. "It's nothing against you but I care too much about her to accept that. She's such a good person really, B. You should see her with her patients. She's the most caring doctor in the world with those kids. And she's such a fiercely loyal friend."

"I know that Q. Well, not that about her patients, but I know how caring she can be. That's part of why I love her. But I don't think she loves herself."

"Yeah. I was kind of hoping you could teach her how to." Quinn sighed and sank into thought.

"Come back to the house with me B. Come talk to her. I promise I'll never ask anything else of you. Please Brittany."

They held each other's gaze for a long time, Quinn trying to work out what went on behind those blue eyes.

"Quinn, I behaved like a selfish pit fiend last night", Brittany suddenly blurted out. "What I asked of her was despicable but I couldn't help myself. I knew it would hurt her but I put myself first. I can't face her today." Brittany stared down into her uneaten lettuce.

"This is playing out in stereo", Quinn muttered to herself. "I get it. You both did things you're not proud of but there has to be a way to get past this. That salad is apparently not going to get eaten so we might as well go." Quinn rose from her seat while Brittany stared at her. Q had obviously gone right back into I-rule-the-school-mode.

Brittany convinced herself to stop thinking at all and just surrender to Quinn's plan, hoping there was one.

Quinn gingerly opened the door, hoping Santana was done vomiting and possibly even dressed. She found the balcony doors open and her housemate sleeping on the couch out on the deck. The two women watched Santana's relaxed sleeping face. It was completely free of make-up and her hair was tied back in a loose pony tail. She wore shorts and a t-shirt and her feet were bare. She looked so small on the oversized couch.

To Quinn's surprise Brittany slipped off her shoes. Quietly and carefully she agilely climbed onto the couch from the side and gently eased herself down behind Santana. She put an arm around her waist and slowly stroked her hair.

With a lump in her throat Quinn went back inside. This was not for her eyes to see.

_She had a beautiful dream. She dreamed she was lying outside with a gentle breeze blowing and the familiar sound of the ocean played in the background. Someone was stroking her hair, whispering loving words in her ear. The heat of their bodies created a slight stickiness along her back. She felt so safe, protected from the world. It was the most comfortable feeling. What a wonderful dream. _

Santana opened an eye and froze. There was really an arm wrapped around her and it was much longer than Quinn's. The large silver ring the hand was wearing wasn't Quinn's. The body she felt pressed against her wasn't Quinn's but wait, her body knew this body. '_Oh holy mother of God!'_

Brittany felt Santana stirring. She placed a soft gentle kiss on Santana's head and just lay there, stroking her hand with her index finger.

Neither of them moved nor spoke. Santana knew Brittany had felt her waking up. She allowed herself the luxury of emptying her mind and not think for a moment. She surrendered to the moment and just relaxed, enjoying the feeling of Brittany's body next to hers. She felt too physically and mentally drained to do anything else.

Quinn returned to the deck an hour later and found them in the same position. She turned on her heel and went back inside to continue reviewing her case.

"Hang over any better yet?" Brittany asked softly.

"Not feeling too bad at all actually. A little hungry even", Santana replied in a calm voice, still not moving.

"How about I make you something to eat? I'll raid your kitchen."

"I don't want us to move. I like it here", Santana replied evenly.

'_Is this real or have I finally lost the plot altogether?' _ Santana wondered to herself.

They both knew that eventually they had to look at each other, afraid of what their own eyes would reveal. But Brittany had to know what Santana was thinking and feeling and her eyes had always been more expressive than her words when it came to showing emotions.

"Turn around San", she whispered. "Let me look at you."

Santana shook her head. "Nope."

"Please Santana."

Reluctantly Santana wriggled her body around and lay facing Brittany. She watched the blonde with a slightly guarded look in her eyes.

"Hi!" Brittany said and smiled.

They kissed. Neither of them knew who leaned in first. Suddenly their lips met and they kissed tenderly. Not like the night before when it was all desperation, frustration and hurt. These were loving kisses. They kissed the way lovers kiss. There was no hurry, only enjoyment in the moment.

"Last night was fucking awful", Brittany said without looking at Santana.

"I don't want to talk about it." Santana was suddenly on guard again.

"I don't either but now I know you still love me."

Santana held her as close as possible.

"Yeah", she sighed. "It's always been you and you only. But like I said last night, I have nothing to offer you Britt."

"Not true. Free medical consults aside, you have everything I want. Everything I need. _You are_ what I want and need. "

"Well. Ta-daaa! Here I am!" Santana said sarcastically. "No, seriously Britt, I am pretty god damned fucked up." She paused. "But I'm too fucking wary to think about what it means that we're here like this now. Lying here with you is... It's like.. All I know is that I feel love and I feel loved. And I haven't felt this way in a very very long time. I'm doing my best not to overanalyse."

Brittany looked at Santana. Her eyes scrutinised every part of her face like she was searching for something.

"Do you want me Santana?" she said at last. "And do you want me in your life?"

"Yes", Santana replied slowly but without hesitation.

"Then, here _I_ am."

They kissed again. Slowly at first but soon desire built up in both of them and their kissing got more heated.

At that point Quinn stepped out on the deck again. She blushed a little when she realised Santana was actually lying on top of Brittany.

"Looks like you're on top of things again S." Santana looked up and saw Quinn smirking.

"Brittany, this is Quinn. She's my housemate but frequently has herself confused with my mother. Quinn, this is Brittany", Santana said, returning Quinn's smirk.

Slowly Santana got up off Brittany and she stood up. Brittany followed. She looked at her watch.

"I have to go to work. San... Come to the theatre on Thursday as usual but this time, find me afterwards. Ok?"

"I'll be in touch." Santana looked Brittany in the eyes. Brittany knew this was the best Santana could do. She wasn't going to ask for more. Santana gave her a quick apologetic smile.

Brittany gave Quinn a light hug and a kiss on the cheek and showed herself out. They heard the front door close behind her.

"Are you going to see her again?" Quinn looked at Santana with a serious searching gaze. She knew her friend's instincts told her to run.

Santana thought for a moment.

"You know what Q? It may be a long shot but I reckon it's the only shot I have left. Yeah, I'm going to see her again. I don't know what will come of it but I think I have to find out." She gave a small half-sad smile. Quinn took her hand and squeezed it companionably.

"Eat in or at Ben's?"

"Haven't got the energy to get myself into a presentable state. I'll cook. What would you like?"

**Epilogue**

Santana fell back on the bed. A fine sheen of sweat glistened on her tan skin. She was still breathing hard.

"God woman, are you trying to kill me?" she panted.

Brittany smiled smugly and kissed Santana on the nose before standing up.

"It's seven thirty. You'd better get up doctor or you'll be late for work." She winked and wrapped a robe around her naked body as she left the bedroom.

Santana lay in bed perfectly content. She had no wish what so ever to get up and go to the hospital. She could hear Brittany and Quinn talk out in the hall.

"… of course you should bring him home. We'll behave Q. I promise. "

Santana couldn't quite make out Quinn's reply.

"Ok ok, I'll have S come to the theatre after work. We won't be home until midnight. Good luck Q!"

Santana heard Quinn run down the stairs and a little later front door closed.

She glanced at the clock. If she hurried she had time for a quick morning swim in the ocean. She could handle being a few minutes late for work.

The End

**A/N** Thanks for reading the story. Please leave a review.


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